I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
