There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
