and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
