I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
