I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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