but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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