The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
