8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
