The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
