You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
