Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
