I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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