I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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