oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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