We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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