he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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