I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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