But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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