Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
