dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
