I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
