Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
