The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
