So drunk its hurt
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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