I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
