Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
