I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
