It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
