Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
