i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
