Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
