hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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