I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
