happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
