Swine flu is the new snow day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
