she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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