Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
