This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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