a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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