Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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