i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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