Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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