RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
