I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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