He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
