Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
