I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
