Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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