Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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