I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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