Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
