Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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