His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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