Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
