I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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