Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
