marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
