Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
