Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
